Expectations

My sister Yekuana's hen party was celebrated last weekend, with immense dedication from her friends, my mother, and me. This event taught me a great lesson and invited me to explore my shadows a bit more as I am not in atomatic pilot and I stop for self- reflection.

I went with anticipation and excitement, expecting to witness a sunrise like those I’ve had the pleasure of seeing here in Valencia. I had planned to hold a women’s circle for her and her friends as my special gift to her.

When we arrived on Saturday to see the sunrise, the sky was cloudy. The sun rose but wasn’t visible, and after the yoga class, it rained heavily, so we had to leave the beach. When faced with nature, you surrender and accept what it brings. The women’s circle was supposed to take place after yoga, but we decided to move it to the last day. In the end, the circle didn’t happen; we had gone out partying the night before, and it had been years since she last spent time with her best friends.

I felt a lot within me when the women’s circle couldn’t happen. My emotions were stirred, and I asked Yekuana for time to talk and express how I felt. We sat down to talk. She told me something very true: “Sister, the thing is that you had expectations of me and what you wanted to do that were different from mine.”

This week, I’ve had to reflect a lot on my shadow, my expectations, and my idealisations. Being here in Valencia has exceeded my expectations in terms of quality of life; it would be an ideal place to retire. I love the city, the lifestyle, and what it offers. However, on a professional and educational level, I’m accepting that I may need to move soon, and I’m going to bet on what my intuition is telling me and aim for my next goal.

BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN POTENTIAL

Deciding to take these months to experiment, explore, experience another culture, connect with the creation of my book, and enjoy the sun has been fantastic. Honestly, it’s been perfect. But I see myself like a French woman I decided to chat with while she played Sudoku on the Costa Brava. She and her husband spent six months in France and six months here, and to achieve that, I need to make important decisions right now.

I remember when I arrived in the UK, I had no expectations but a goal: educational growth, learning English. Everything that happened in my ten years in England exceeded my expectations in every way. Taking the time and space away from England has invited me to recognise and connect with the gratitude for everything this country has meant to me.

I just bought a ticket to visit the university in London where I want to apply for a master’s programme this year. I’ve been considering my next academic step for a while, aiming for a combination of communication, business, and psychology. I’ve been researching in the United States, England, and Spain, and there is a programme in England that fits what I want.

I am scared...BUT my therapist told me: "Amazonia, fear is not letting you see everything you have achieved and what you can achieve. You are self-sabotaging.

In light of all this, I’ve had to sit with the same emotion I felt when not everything I planned for my sister’s hen party happened. I’ve had to laugh at myself and say, “Amazonia, you just needed a break, some sun, and the beach. Is that so hard to understand?” For those of us who have been in constant productivity and are not used to pauses, seeing the waves of the sea and expecting a time off without measurable results is hard for our brains to process. This is when a new seed is planted in my mental field: “I deserve to rest; I deserve to take breaks when necessary.”

I must admit that during this time, my biggest challenge has been being productive from a different place, from enjoyment. Honestly, betting on this space for myself has integrated something very valuable that I was missing in life: the pause, the enjoyment, which is very feminine energy. I must confess that I really enjoy going to the pool at 10 pm before bed or meet so cool people with another vibe.

Now, I have no idea what will happen in the coming months. However, I’m taking firm steps towards the actions I want to take, without expectations, because life can surprise us and things can turn out even better than we think.

I missed writing to you, but again, sometimes we need pauses to appreciate even my passion for this blog, without expectations.

Thank you for reading, I will continue to bare my soul, because shadows are not usually shown in an Instagram post.

Send you good vibes from my present paradise, VALENCIA.